When the topic of Emotional Intelligence (EI) or Emotional Quotient (EQ) was first introduced, I developed an EI competency model with emotional self-awareness as the support for the model. The model depicted the necessity of building a solid base of emotional self-awareness before progressing to developing the other Emotional Intelligence skills (emotional self-management, emotional self-motivation, empathy and nurturing relationships). Yet, regardless of the critical importance of emotional self-awareness, many of us go through our lives, oblivious and unwittingly accepting the roller coaster of emotions we experience brought on by today’s challenges. Without understanding where we are dispensing our emotional energy, it becomes hard to enhance the other EI competencies.

We’ve all become so used to today’s ever increasing pressures that we barely notice when the heat is turned up. And when we are no longer able to cope with the pace of these escalating challenges, we experience negative emotions, which, in turn increases our stress level. While the damaging effects of stress are well-recognized, it’s surprising that many people don’t recognize they are experiencing negative emotions, which, in turn, elevate their stress.

Beth’s Story:

Because she worked in a technical field, Beth, one of my Emotional Intelligence program participants, couldn’t imagine that EI could have any impact on people’s performance. The concept seemed implausible. In addition to her work’s rational nature, the organizational culture reinforced the concept that emotions played no role in her work. Beth also carried this impression over into her personal life. During our goal-setting session at the start of the program, Beth told me that she was not aware of her emotions and they couldn’t possibly be of any significance to her work. Beth also told me that her colleagues were difficult to work with. Because she was not aware of from her feelings, Beth did not understand the emotional impact she had on co-workers. In addition, Beth’s boss sensed that she was at the bottom of all her problems. He perceived that Beth’s difficulties were a result of her insensitivity to others, lack of emotional self-awareness and distant behavior.

As a result of the training program, Beth began to practice the simple, proven Emotional Intelligence techniques taught to develop her emotional self-awareness. Beth and I met for her initial coaching session. With tears in her eyes, Beth told me that she now understood that she did have feelings and those emotions that were negative were negatively impacting her relationships both at home and at work. Beth recognized that when she distanced herself, her co-workers viewed her as unapproachable. Beth shared her insight with her boss, in confidence. Before this conversation Beth’s boss was not aware that she had no idea about her behavior and its effect on her co-workers. With this new perspective, Beth’s boss was more disposed to supporting and listening to her.

Beth’s experience is not uncommon. Many of us go about our daily lives unaware of our emotions and how our emotional responses might be impacting our relationships. As a culture, we are predisposed to disregarding emotions. Our focus seems to be on getting the work done. We don’t seem to recognize that discounting emotions can be detrimental to effectiveness and productivity.

Without the awareness of the critical importance of emotions, we lack insight into how our negative reactions to events, situations and people are affecting us and those around us. Our negative emotions can initiate upwards of 1400 biochemical events, some of which result in physiological changes such as increased adrenaline, heart rate, blood pressure and cortisol (the stress hormone). These events negatively impact our physical energy, mental clarity and personal effectiveness. Experiencing these negative emotions can cause us to be highly reactive, displaying behaviors such as anger and defensiveness which may cause others to avoid us. And when others are hesitant to approach us, we can loose their valuable help, insights and suggestions.

Where Do You Start?

Start by noticing when you are experiencing negative emotions. List those times and the events both at work and at home when you notice those negative feelings. For example, you may feel anxious before meetings. Or you may feel angry when others don’t fulfill their commitments. Or you may feel frustrated when a deadline is shortened. Identifying and listing these events helps you recognize those things that trigger negative emotions.

Next, develop an emotional vocabulary by naming the emotions the identified triggers evoke. Expand your vocabulary to include positive emotions you experience during fun times. By recognizing and naming your emotions, you will start to become more emotionally self-aware. Over time, notice where you are expending most of your emotional energy. When you find yourself feeling negative emotions, use some simple, emotional management techniques, to transform those emotions into positive, productive energy.

About the Author

Byron Stock, a former engineer and director of corporate education has focused in the area of Emotional Intelligence Training for over a decade. He guides individuals and organizations toward excellence by helping them increase their EI as a powerful tool to achieve strategic objectives, lead change and create resilient, high performing organizational cultures. Learn about Byron’s quick, easy, proven techniques to harness the power of your EI in his new book, SMART EMOTIONS for Busy Business People available through his website www.ByronStock.com

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