All of us, no matter who we are, face endless change and adjustment in life. Regardless of whether they are changes created externally, such as those initiated by world events, or those created internally by developmental processes, or other responses required to life events such as the birth of a new baby, beginning a new job, marital discord, divorce, or the death of a family member. Unfortunately, life never remains static and as a result, neither can we.
Noted change management guru, William Bridges, has identified a simple three-step model for understanding and coping with the changes in our lives:
1. Endings
I appreciate Bridges’ model because it is one of the few that I’ve seen that reminds us that all changes – whether the “good” ones or the “bad” ones – start with us losing something. No matter how much we might be excited about the new venture (e.g., going off to college, new job, getting married, relocation), the new thing initially requires that we give something up.
We generally have to release the established, the usual, and the comfortable. This might involve changes to existing relationships, leaving a neighborhood where we’ve lived for most of our lives, releasing our accepted position of “authority” or being the “go-to” person at the office. Maybe we’ll have to let go of a social circle that we’ve had for our entire lives. Pals with whom we attended school. A memory-filled house, with a huge backyard for barbecues, plenty of room for the kids and all their playmates. Possibly it’s something as simple as a quick and easy commute to work.
Regardless of the adjustment in our life, it’s a good bet that the first thing(s) that we’ll notice are the things that we are required say goodbye to.
2. Neutral Zone
The next stage of the process is I think the most difficult one. We’ve released all the accepted, trustworthy, comfortable, accustomed things that we’ve come to rely upon to streamline our routine decision-making processes, a support group we can share our trials and tribulations with, all the reliable “safety nets” we’ve incorporated into our lives: the insurance agent we’ve trusted, our child’s schoolteacher, the community center where we’ve become well established and have strong supportive relationships.
The Neutral Zone is the phase where all the “old stuff” has to be left behind, but the necessary new support infrastructure hasn’t yet been created, or if existing, they are still new and rather delicate.
Life can be noticeably frightening in the Neutral Zone as you live in a state of novelty, ambiguity and uncertainty. But persistence and perseverence are the keys to a victorious journey through the Neutral Zone.
3. Beginnings
Steadily, over time, we establish things for our new life. If we’ve just started college, we’ve attended all our classes, met the profs, met some friends, and perhaps joined a fraternity or sorority. If beginning a new career, we’ve overcome the initial shock of being the rookie, to being a full-fledged team member, and we’ve learned a lot about how to peform the duties expected of us. We’ve met our managers and many of our peers (perhaps we’re no longer the “newest” kid on the block). If launching a new business, we’ve got the basic foundations established. We’ve probably found a new residence, unpacked most (if not all) the boxes. We know where the best food stores, drug stores, department stores, car repair shops, beauty salons, and hospitals are found.
Things are slowing settling into a routine, and life is becoming more normal – and more predictable every day (although it will never become totally static, or static).
We’re changing and growing into our new roles and adjusting to our new location.
This doesn’t happen overnight; it takes time. The worst thing you can do is expect that it will materialize quickly – it won’t. Give yourself, and your family, sufficient time and space, to incorporate the change – and they will!
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